Whether at work or elsewhere, I’m sure that all of us can agree that venting about an irritating client, coworker, task, or project can feel very cathartic. And honestly, I think the occasional venting session with a cool confidant can be beneficial, especially if that conversation actually leads to getting to the root of what is really giving us the feels and finding skillful ways to address it. As a rule, I try to monitor the amount of complaining I do lest I allow myself to become overwhelmed with negativity. One of my favorite therapists used to advise me to “change the tape” whenever I find myself venturing into negative self talk, and I try to extend that excellent advice to negative talk about others, as well.

In his article, The Next Time You Want to Complain at Work, Do This Instead, Peter Bregman talks about sitting with the difficult feelings we’re experiencing, pinpointing exactly what is bothering us, and then taking direct, compassionate action to address the issue. He says to “Go ahead and complain. Just do it directly — and thoughtfully — to the person who is the cause of your complaints.” It certainly isn’t always easy to do that – I mean, I often lapse into “throwing shade” as the kids say, and I’ll be real, sometimes I enjoy it too much.  But even so, I think it is a crucial skill to keep practicing if we’re going to make the world a better place – starting in our workplaces and day-to-day lives.

According to the article, it “also takes emotional courage. It’s a scary, more risky thing to do. But it’s why it’s worth developing your emotional courage — because, while scary, it’s far more likely to be highly productive. It holds the potential for changing the thing that’s the problem in the first place. And rather than become the negative influence, you become the leader.”

Bregman suggests we let our urge to complain be the trigger that drives us to take action:

1. Notice the adrenaline spike or the can-you-believe-that-just-happened feeling (e.g., someone yelling in a meeting).
2. Breathe and feel your feelings about the situation so that they don’t overwhelm you or shut you down. Notice that you can stay grounded even in difficult situations (e.g., feel, without reacting).
3. Understand the part about what’s actually happening that is complain-worthy (e.g., it’s not okay to yell and disrespect others in a meeting).
4. Decide what you can do to draw a boundary, ask someone to shift their behavior, or otherwise improve the situation (e.g., “Please let’s respect each other in our conversations.”)
5. Follow through on your idea (e.g., actually say: “Please let’s respect each other in our conversations.”)

So, basically, in Buddhist terms, we are being asked to practice mindfulness, skillful listening, and right speech. Thich Nhat Hanh describes the mind as a garden and our emotions as seeds in that garden, as such we should focus on watering the seeds we want to grow. When we feel pissed off and have the urge to complain in a non-productive way, we should instead water the seeds that will help grow compassion, camaraderie, and productivity. In order to notice when we are watering the wrong seeds we need to practice sitting with difficult emotions, so we can identify the root causes and address the issue(s) skillfully and directly.

Your mind is like a piece of land planted with many different kinds of seeds: seeds of joy, peace, mindfulness, understanding, and love; seeds of craving, anger, fear, hate, and forgetfulness. These wholesome and unwholesome seeds are always there, sleeping in the soil of your mind. The quality of your life depends on the seeds you water. If you plant tomato seeds in your gardens, tomatoes will grow. Just so, if you water a seed of peace in your mind, peace will grow. When the seeds of happiness in you are watered, you will become happy. When the seed of anger in you is watered, you will become angry. The seeds that are watered frequently are those that will grow strong. – Thich Nhat Hanh in Anh-Huong & Hanh, 2006, 22

There are some folks who will always be difficult to deal with. We can’t control how the people around us are going to act. But we can choose how we respond to those people (even that one co-worker who sometimes tap dances right on your very last nerve) and the irritating situations we find ourselves in.

If you are interested in some great teachings from Thich Nhat Hanh, I recommend these videos of him talking about mindfulness, compassion, skillful listening, and right speech.